Parenting

When I asked my mom what the best part of parenting is, she said, “Watching your kids learn and grow in life and in the gospel, and having fun together.” My husband and I aren’t parents quite yet, but we will be in May. We’re so excited and we have been thinking a lot about the blessing that it is to be parents. There are so many aspects to parenting. It requires hard work, sacrifice, learning, joy, and as my mom said, fun. 

The desire to be parents is a divine desire. Few believe it is worthwhile.  There are so many other jobs a person could have, so many other things they could do with their time. Why would someone want to sacrifice so much to become a parent? For me, it is because I want to change lives. I know that the best place to do that is in the home. I want to raise children to be happy and kind and hard working. I want to learn from my children and become the best version of myself. I believe that the benefits of parenting far outweigh the costs. It is a blessing. 

One of the blessings that comes from parenting is the chance to learn. Parents have to learn problem solving, maturity, patience, and love. They also have to learn to see things from a new perspective, to understand their children. They learn from the children as well. Children are the purest souls on the earth. They have so much to teach, and as parents take the time to get to know their children and love them, they will learn great and important lessons. 

Parenting also provides a great opportunity for sacrifice. As a parent, one cannot have the attitude that “it’s all about me.” In parenting, it isn’t. It’s all about others. When we reach out to others and make it our goal to help others find happiness, we will ultimately be happier. Happiness comes from looking outside of ourselves and focusing on others. Parenting is an excellent way to do that. 

Of course, there are some difficulties that arise with parenting. Some of those include feeling inadequate, lack of knowledge, agency of children, exhaustion, etc. Parents don’t have all the answers. It is easy to feel that they are not good enough or they don’t know how to help their children. This can be a difficulty experienced by parents. Children also make poor decisions, regardless of what their parents have taught them. It can be difficult for parents to not blame themselves for those decisions and feel pain for their child. Parenting is also extremely tiring. It is a full-time job plus some. These difficulties are common, and can discourage some from having children. However, as I said before, I believe the benefits of parenting outweigh the costs. 

Earlier, my family and I were discussing all the crazy things that happened growing up including accidents, injuries, and bad babysitters. The list included second degree burns, broken bones, split open heads, gas from the stove being left on, etc. Children can get into a great deal of trouble, and parenting is definitely not boring. There are so many things to be aware of, but all parents can do it their best and learn as they go. 

I was blessed with incredible parents who loved us and provided well for us. They both work so hard to make sure we have the things we need and they always show us how much they love us. I am grateful for their examples. I know they are not perfect, but I know they do their best and I am grateful for that. Sometimes the thought of becoming a parent in a few months is overwhelming, but I know it is the best thing for me and it will be a tremendous blessing. As parents strive to do their best to love and support their children, homes and families will be happier. 

Fathers

When people hear the term “fathering”, they may think of different things. Some believe it simply means to make the genetic contribution to create life. Others may think it’s to be a provider in the workplace, but uninvolved at home. For me, fathering and fatherhood is so much more. 

Fatherhood is comprised of many roles and responsibilities including presiding over his family, providing for his family, and protecting his family. This all involves being an active participant in the lives of his children. Fathers can have a profound influence on their children and who they become. I am grateful for the father that I had to help raise me into the person that I am today. 

My father has always worked extremely hard to provide for our needs. He made it a goal that we would never have to go without, and he has worked hard to make that happen. Not only does he provide for our physical needs, but our spiritual and emotional needs as well. He always watches out for us and supports us in all we do. My father has also been a wonderful presider. He is the head of our family and has fulfilled that role well. 

He also has been an excellent protector. I am known in my family for being scared of everything, but I have always felt safe when my dad is around. He has also helped protect us spiritually. He and my mother have taught us the doctrines of the gospel and helped us gain testimonies that safeguard us from the adversary’s temptations. 

I have often gone to my dad for advice and wisdom. He has been a constant support in my life. As I was growing up, I would often feel insecure about who I was and how I looked and he would always help me remember that I am a daughter of God and that I am loved. As I got older, he would put together challenges for us to eat healthy and exercise together. This was just a simple example of how he supports us. 

In April of this year, I decided that I wanted to run a marathon. I was needing to get in shape, and I thought training for a marathon would be an excellent way to do that. I called my dad and asked him if he would be willing to train for the marathon with me, and he was more than happy to agree. We trained hard for two months and planned on running a half marathon at the halfway point of our training. Most of my family participated in the half marathon, but my dad and I were slower than the rest, and we had the opportunity to run it together. Weeks of long runs and a difficult race helped strengthen my relationship with my dad. Neither one of us are built like distance runners. This was an incredibly difficult physical and mental task for both of us, but we did it together. I am grateful that my dad is so loving and supportive that when I asked him to train with me, he jumped right on the idea and helped me reach that goal. We’ve had to postpone the full marathon for a while because of a knee injury that my dad had, and because I am 3 months pregnant. But the goal is still there and I am grateful that my dad will help me achieve it. 

I am grateful that I have so many examples of wonderful fathers in my life. My husband is one of those examples. He is kind, patient, and hard working. I am so excited to see him fulfill his role of father to our child that we will have in 6 months. I know he will be incredible. 

Fathers have the opportunity and blessing to build a special bond with their children. They are crucial to family life and are wonderful blessings. We all need to take the time to think about and thank the fathers in our lives for their influence and the blessing they are. As we do so, we can strengthen our family relationships and we will have happier families and homes. 

Effective Communication

Have you ever played the game “Speak Out” or “Telephone”, where the things we say become so twisted that no one can understand what we said? It can often become frustrating when we think we are clearly explaining ourselves but everyone else is confused. Of course, that’s the point of those games. However, that can be a common problem with our everyday communication. 

                                       

A little while ago, my husband and I were going swimming. I thought we had decided that after we put our swimsuits on in the changing rooms, we would meet outside of them. However, my husband thought we decided to meet in the pool. I waited outside the changing room for about ten minutes thinking, “Man, he is taking a LONG time.” Just a few moments later, he came back in from the pool, wondering where I was. 

After we finished swimming, we went back in to change and quickly discovered that we hadn’t learned our lesson on communication. I thought we were going to meet outside the pool area, but my husband thought we were going to meet outside the changing room. Once again, we were both waiting for the other because we didn’t communicate effectively. 

This is a small example of how poor communication can affect us. There are more severe examples of miscommunication that can destroy relationships and families. 

It can be difficult to learn how to communicate effectively. Yet, communication is one of the most important aspects of a strong relationship. In his book titled, “Feeling Good Together”, David Burns explains five secrets of effective communication. They are:

1.    Disarming Technique 

2.    Thought Empathy

3.    Gentle Inquiry

4.    “I Feel” Statement

5.    Authentic Respect, Admiration

The disarming technique is used by taking what someone said, finding the truth in it, and responding to that truth. If a person is upset, they might say something that isn’t completely true, but there is usually a kernel of truth hidden inside. If we can recognize that, and validate the truth they mentioned, it is easier for them to feel listened to, and they will often not be as angry. 

Thought empathy implies listening to the other person and repeating what they said to gain a better understanding. It also includes validating their feelings with statements like, “It seems like you are feeling…” or “I’m sorry you’re feeling…” This can help the other person feel listened to and understood. 

Gentle inquiry means inviting the other person to share their thoughts and feelings. After they feel like they are being heard and understood, it is more likely for them to be more open with explaining how and why they think and feel the way they do. 

The “I feel” statement is the assertive part of communication. It is where we can explain our side of the situation in a way that is calm and not aggressive. The “I feel” statement can follow this pattern:

“When __ (event/circumstance)________, 

I feel/felt______(emotion)______, 

Because ____(thoughts)________. 

I would like _____(solution)_______. 

This is a way that we can express how we feel, but also propose a solution for the situation. 

The last step, showing respect and admiration is a great way to finish this conversation. This way, both people can feel respected and understood in expressing their feelings and thoughts. 

I’ve always struggled with effective communication. I often skip over the assertiveness part of the conversation and never explain how I really feel. However, all parts of these steps are needed. If people jump in to a conversation with assertiveness without showing empathy, the other person can feel attacked. If there is no assertiveness, then the situation often goes unsolved. These secrets to effective communication helps us to meet others’ needs as well as our own. As we learn to communicate effectively, we will better understand one another, and our homes will be happier. 

Family Crises

My little sister was born on April 12, 2007. Within the first few months of her life, my mom noticed that her head was not growing normally; it was quite oddly shaped. The doctors discovered that she didn’t have a soft spot on her head which was causing her head to grow incorrectly. This is called craniosynostosis, and could ultimately lead to blindness, developmental disabilities, and other serious issues. 

In July of 2007, my little sister had to have a head surgery called an endoscopic strip craniotomy, where the surgeon cut out a strip of her skull about 2 inches x 6 inches. For the next year, she had to wear a custom fit helmet to protect her head in its fragile state. She had monthly appointments at Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake City to check the status of her recovery. She had three or four different sized helmets during the year as her head continued to grow. My mom put a flower sticker on one of them because she couldn’t wear bows. 

This was a difficult time for our family and could be considered a family crisis. We had to learn how to deal with the stress of the surgery, the multiple doctor appointments and the overall worry for my baby sister. I remember feeling extremely fearful as we stayed with my grandparents the night before she was supposed to go into surgery. My parents were in Salt Lake, and we were staying in Menan, Idaho. I remember saying, “I wish it was me instead of her.” I wasn’t sure her little body would be okay with such a major operation. My grandma had to explain to me that because of her age, she would heal much quicker than I would in her situation. 

A family crisis can be defined by a combination of a stressor event, the resources of the family, and the attitude of the family towards the stressor. All of these things combine to form the crisis. In my family’s situation, the stressor event was my sister’s surgery and following recovery. We had various resources including the support of extended family. My dad’s job also allowed them to travel to Utah easily for the check-ups. While we worried about my sister, overall, we had an attitude of peace and gratitude for the blessing of health and modern medicine. 

Family crises can either help families grow and become stronger, or can cause them to become weaker. My family used this unfortunate situation as a growing experience. We became closer and our relationships were strengthened. My little sister is also much healthier now than she ever would have been without the surgery, and for that we are all grateful. 

Our reaction to one family crisis can influence how we approach following crises. If we only focus on the negative, we are worse off going into another trial than we would have been if we had focused on the positive that came from the situation.

Our family stressors are not often wished for or expected. How we react to them can ultimately define how they affect us. When we go through a difficult experience, it is common to ask, “Why me?” or “Why did you do this to me, God?” However, we would be much better off to ask, “What can I learn from this?” or “How will this make me a better person?” Developing this attitude in times of trial can be exceptionally difficult. People don’t often want to pass through trials and difficulties. It’s important to understand, however, that this life should be used to become the best we possibly can, and our best growth often happens when we experience trials. 

Teaching Children

One of the most important responsibilities parents have is to teach their children. Kids are taught by various sources as they grow up. These sources include teachers, coaches, and even peers. If parents leave the majority of the learning of their children up to these other sources, their children will have a great disadvantage when it comes to their learning and understanding. Parents need to teach what they want their children to know. They should not give that control over to someone else, who may feed their children a great deal of false information. 

One focus of parents’ teachings to their children should be on sexuality. It is quite common for parents to avoid talking to their children about sexuality. Sometimes this is because they feel uncomfortable, or maybe they do not understand the importance of it, or they think they can leave it up to others to teach them. If parents avoid this responsibility, however, their children could have a misunderstanding and confusion about sexuality and the purposes of sex. 

When parents leave the teaching of sexuality to their children up to another source, misunderstandings are bound to happen. Let’s look at schools for example. When I was a fifth and sixth grader, we watched two different films on the maturation of our bodies. I don’t remember anything that was taught in those films. It wouldn’t surprise me if other children didn’t remember them either. This is why parents need to be involved in the teaching of their children. Parents can help children better understand what they learned in school, and this way, when their children are 16 or 17 years old and can’t remember about the videos they watched in elementary school, or their health classes in junior high, they can talk to their parents and better understand. 

Another popular source that gives out less than true information, are children’s peers. Children are naturally curious, and if they feel that they cannot go to their parents to talk about sexuality, they will go to their friends. This can be extremely harmful, as friends often have the same level of understanding as the children. 

Parents should begin teaching their children about sexuality when they are quite young, even toddler age. The teachings should be developmentally appropriate, but they could teach about their bodies and how sacred they are. The teachings can become more in depth as children grow older and gain a greater understanding. 

Talking about sex should not be something that is awkward or uncomfortable. Sex is sacred. It isn’t naughty or dirty. This act should only take place between a husband and wife who are legally married because of its sacred nature. Sex is the means by which life is created and it strengthens the relationship between husband and wife. When we talk about sex, we should focus on its importance to our lives, but also how beautiful and sacred it is, when used correctly. 

It is quite common for parents to teach that sex is a bad thing until after marriage. Many children grow up with the idea that sex is a sin and that it shouldn’t ever be discussed. When children grow up with this mindset, it is difficult to think of sex as anything other than naughty and sinful, even after marriage. After I got married, it was extremely difficult for me to think of sex as a good thing. I was uncomfortable talking about it, and I felt like a sinner. I didn’t understand the importance of sex and the positive purpose of sex for my marriage relationship. With more learning and understanding, I have been able to move past this mindset. 

Sex is a sacred blessing, and it should be treated as such. Parents should teach their children about sexuality and help them understand the purposes and blessings of sex. As children understand and implement these teachings in their own lives, it will be a blessing to many generations, and it will help create happy homes. 

The Purpose of Marriage

What is the purpose of marriage? 

People have varying opinions to that question. Some believe the purpose of marriage is to have tax benefits, others say to have companionship. Other opinions include the purpose of marriage to be traditional, or to have children. I believe that marriage is all of those things, however, I believe that the purpose of marriage is more. 

Marriage is becoming one as husband and wife. It is an opportunity for people to reach their potential and become perfected. Perfection is often thought of as without error or mistake, but it means being whole and complete. In order to fulfill their full potential, a man is not complete without a woman, and a woman is not complete without a man. I think that is a beautiful principle. We need one another and we have to opportunity to work together in an intimate and everyday relationship as husband and wife. 

While marriage is a wonderful thing and a great opportunity to progress as husband and wife, it does not come without challenges. Specifically, there are many adjustments that have to be made in the first month of marriage, the first year, and gradually throughout marriage as the couple learns and grows together. 

One of the adjustments that needs to be made early on is just the idea of caring for someone else. A person isn’t alone anymore and they have decided to share their life with another. This includes caring for them always. I realized this when my husband got sick the week after we were married. I wasn’t used to taking care of someone else when they were sick, and it was a good learning experience for me. Now, our relationship is strengthened because of the time we put in to care for one another. 

Another adjustment to make soon in a marriage is sharing everything, including a bed. This was an adjustment for my husband and me. I love to be cold when I sleep, and my husband loves to be warm. It took us some time to find a balance of air conditioning and blankets to where we can both sleep comfortably. 

Holidays and time spent with in-laws is another adjustment to make. Families celebrate holidays differently and there are many traditions that couples have to decide if they will include in their own families. Bryan and I have decided to spend time every other holiday with each of our families. Last year, we spent Independence Day with his family, Thanksgiving with mine, Christmas Eve with his, and Christmas Day with mine. This year, we’ve rotated that. This is not the only correct answer for how to split time with families, but it has been a good way for us to spend time with both his family and mine. 

I also believe one of the most important things to keep in mind when it comes to adjustments in marriage, is that it isn’t about compromise. It’s about sacrifice. A compromise between what both people want to do is not always a good idea. Making sacrifices for the benefit of the marriage is how to help make the marriage work. When both spouses are trying to meet the needs of the other and both have the attitude of always thinking of what they can give to the marriage instead of what they are getting out of the marriage, the marriage will be happier. 

Marriage is a blessing. It is an opportunity for two people to become one and to become the best version of themselves. It is a means to help people become complete and whole. And while it is such a wonderful thing, it comes with challenges and adjustments. If husband and wife work through the adjustments and are always working to strengthen the marriage, their marriages and families will be happier. 

Preparing for Marriage

Deciding who to marry is one of the biggest decisions a person will make in their lifetime. It can cause stress and worry of choosing the right person, and it can be incredibly overwhelming. There are certain steps to take when deciding to marry: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Maybe it’s because it is so overwhelming, or maybe it is because the importance of marriage relationships is declining, but many people are not deliberately choosing to marry. They aren’t following the steps, and instead of making the conscious choice to move from dating, to courtship, to engagement, to marriage, they are sliding from one to the next.

When I was deciding to marry my now-husband, I wanted to make sure he was someone I could create a happy and eternal marriage with. I am grateful that my husband and I were able to make decisions and take these certain steps to help build our relationship and prepare ourselves for marriage.

Dating

My husband, Bryan, and I both went on dates with lots of people before we dated each other. We were best friends in high school and spent a lot of time together before we started going on dates. After high school, we both served missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and we wrote emails to one another each week. After I returned home, we went on multiple dates including dinner, ice cream, making caramel apples, and making enchiladas. While we were spending time together going on dates, we decided that we wanted to continue our relationship in a more serious manner and exclusively date each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Courtship

Bryan and I had a conversation to decide that we wanted to pursue a relationship. Bryan made sure we were on the same page about the state of our relationship and he asked me specifically if we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We had a conversation about it and decided that we both felt good about it.

Not long after this decision, Bryan moved to Texas to work and I went to Utah for school. We spend a lot of time Facetiming and continuing to get to know each other. It was special to not be together in person, because I felt like I could get to know him on a different level than if we were together. There was no physical aspect of our relationship.

During this time, we shared goals, worries, and plans for the future, and we decided that we wanted to get married. He told me that he wanted to marry me and we discussed it multiple times until we got engaged. Again, it was a very conscious decision to move from one phase in our relationship to the next.

Engagement

Bryan and I got engaged on August 9, 2017. He proposed on one knee while we were hiking with some friends. I was ecstatic. While we were engaged, we used the time to plan the wedding and continue to get to know one another. We went through lots of important questions about finances, future family, parenting styles, past relationships, etc. This time was vital to us in learning about one another and deciding that we wanted to continue with our engagement to marriage.

Marriage

Bryan and I were married on December 16, 2017 in the Idaho Falls Temple. We are still learning new things about one another every day and I am so grateful for that. I know that our time spent learning about one another, and our deliberate and conscious decisions in furthering our relationship have been a blessing for our marriage. I am grateful that Bryan always made sure we were on the same page and that we both understood the status of our relationship. I love being married to my best friend, and I love learning more about him every day.

As people try to find the person they are going to marry, it is important that conscious decisions are made to continue in the relationship. This way, there is no confusion, and people don’t end up in a relationship that they didn’t want to be in. It is also vital to continue to get to know each other in every phase of a relationship. This will help build stronger and happier marriages.