Effective Communication

Have you ever played the game “Speak Out” or “Telephone”, where the things we say become so twisted that no one can understand what we said? It can often become frustrating when we think we are clearly explaining ourselves but everyone else is confused. Of course, that’s the point of those games. However, that can be a common problem with our everyday communication. 

                                       

A little while ago, my husband and I were going swimming. I thought we had decided that after we put our swimsuits on in the changing rooms, we would meet outside of them. However, my husband thought we decided to meet in the pool. I waited outside the changing room for about ten minutes thinking, “Man, he is taking a LONG time.” Just a few moments later, he came back in from the pool, wondering where I was. 

After we finished swimming, we went back in to change and quickly discovered that we hadn’t learned our lesson on communication. I thought we were going to meet outside the pool area, but my husband thought we were going to meet outside the changing room. Once again, we were both waiting for the other because we didn’t communicate effectively. 

This is a small example of how poor communication can affect us. There are more severe examples of miscommunication that can destroy relationships and families. 

It can be difficult to learn how to communicate effectively. Yet, communication is one of the most important aspects of a strong relationship. In his book titled, “Feeling Good Together”, David Burns explains five secrets of effective communication. They are:

1.    Disarming Technique 

2.    Thought Empathy

3.    Gentle Inquiry

4.    “I Feel” Statement

5.    Authentic Respect, Admiration

The disarming technique is used by taking what someone said, finding the truth in it, and responding to that truth. If a person is upset, they might say something that isn’t completely true, but there is usually a kernel of truth hidden inside. If we can recognize that, and validate the truth they mentioned, it is easier for them to feel listened to, and they will often not be as angry. 

Thought empathy implies listening to the other person and repeating what they said to gain a better understanding. It also includes validating their feelings with statements like, “It seems like you are feeling…” or “I’m sorry you’re feeling…” This can help the other person feel listened to and understood. 

Gentle inquiry means inviting the other person to share their thoughts and feelings. After they feel like they are being heard and understood, it is more likely for them to be more open with explaining how and why they think and feel the way they do. 

The “I feel” statement is the assertive part of communication. It is where we can explain our side of the situation in a way that is calm and not aggressive. The “I feel” statement can follow this pattern:

“When __ (event/circumstance)________, 

I feel/felt______(emotion)______, 

Because ____(thoughts)________. 

I would like _____(solution)_______. 

This is a way that we can express how we feel, but also propose a solution for the situation. 

The last step, showing respect and admiration is a great way to finish this conversation. This way, both people can feel respected and understood in expressing their feelings and thoughts. 

I’ve always struggled with effective communication. I often skip over the assertiveness part of the conversation and never explain how I really feel. However, all parts of these steps are needed. If people jump in to a conversation with assertiveness without showing empathy, the other person can feel attacked. If there is no assertiveness, then the situation often goes unsolved. These secrets to effective communication helps us to meet others’ needs as well as our own. As we learn to communicate effectively, we will better understand one another, and our homes will be happier.