Effective Communication

Have you ever played the game “Speak Out” or “Telephone”, where the things we say become so twisted that no one can understand what we said? It can often become frustrating when we think we are clearly explaining ourselves but everyone else is confused. Of course, that’s the point of those games. However, that can be a common problem with our everyday communication. 

                                       

A little while ago, my husband and I were going swimming. I thought we had decided that after we put our swimsuits on in the changing rooms, we would meet outside of them. However, my husband thought we decided to meet in the pool. I waited outside the changing room for about ten minutes thinking, “Man, he is taking a LONG time.” Just a few moments later, he came back in from the pool, wondering where I was. 

After we finished swimming, we went back in to change and quickly discovered that we hadn’t learned our lesson on communication. I thought we were going to meet outside the pool area, but my husband thought we were going to meet outside the changing room. Once again, we were both waiting for the other because we didn’t communicate effectively. 

This is a small example of how poor communication can affect us. There are more severe examples of miscommunication that can destroy relationships and families. 

It can be difficult to learn how to communicate effectively. Yet, communication is one of the most important aspects of a strong relationship. In his book titled, “Feeling Good Together”, David Burns explains five secrets of effective communication. They are:

1.    Disarming Technique 

2.    Thought Empathy

3.    Gentle Inquiry

4.    “I Feel” Statement

5.    Authentic Respect, Admiration

The disarming technique is used by taking what someone said, finding the truth in it, and responding to that truth. If a person is upset, they might say something that isn’t completely true, but there is usually a kernel of truth hidden inside. If we can recognize that, and validate the truth they mentioned, it is easier for them to feel listened to, and they will often not be as angry. 

Thought empathy implies listening to the other person and repeating what they said to gain a better understanding. It also includes validating their feelings with statements like, “It seems like you are feeling…” or “I’m sorry you’re feeling…” This can help the other person feel listened to and understood. 

Gentle inquiry means inviting the other person to share their thoughts and feelings. After they feel like they are being heard and understood, it is more likely for them to be more open with explaining how and why they think and feel the way they do. 

The “I feel” statement is the assertive part of communication. It is where we can explain our side of the situation in a way that is calm and not aggressive. The “I feel” statement can follow this pattern:

“When __ (event/circumstance)________, 

I feel/felt______(emotion)______, 

Because ____(thoughts)________. 

I would like _____(solution)_______. 

This is a way that we can express how we feel, but also propose a solution for the situation. 

The last step, showing respect and admiration is a great way to finish this conversation. This way, both people can feel respected and understood in expressing their feelings and thoughts. 

I’ve always struggled with effective communication. I often skip over the assertiveness part of the conversation and never explain how I really feel. However, all parts of these steps are needed. If people jump in to a conversation with assertiveness without showing empathy, the other person can feel attacked. If there is no assertiveness, then the situation often goes unsolved. These secrets to effective communication helps us to meet others’ needs as well as our own. As we learn to communicate effectively, we will better understand one another, and our homes will be happier. 

Family Crises

My little sister was born on April 12, 2007. Within the first few months of her life, my mom noticed that her head was not growing normally; it was quite oddly shaped. The doctors discovered that she didn’t have a soft spot on her head which was causing her head to grow incorrectly. This is called craniosynostosis, and could ultimately lead to blindness, developmental disabilities, and other serious issues. 

In July of 2007, my little sister had to have a head surgery called an endoscopic strip craniotomy, where the surgeon cut out a strip of her skull about 2 inches x 6 inches. For the next year, she had to wear a custom fit helmet to protect her head in its fragile state. She had monthly appointments at Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake City to check the status of her recovery. She had three or four different sized helmets during the year as her head continued to grow. My mom put a flower sticker on one of them because she couldn’t wear bows. 

This was a difficult time for our family and could be considered a family crisis. We had to learn how to deal with the stress of the surgery, the multiple doctor appointments and the overall worry for my baby sister. I remember feeling extremely fearful as we stayed with my grandparents the night before she was supposed to go into surgery. My parents were in Salt Lake, and we were staying in Menan, Idaho. I remember saying, “I wish it was me instead of her.” I wasn’t sure her little body would be okay with such a major operation. My grandma had to explain to me that because of her age, she would heal much quicker than I would in her situation. 

A family crisis can be defined by a combination of a stressor event, the resources of the family, and the attitude of the family towards the stressor. All of these things combine to form the crisis. In my family’s situation, the stressor event was my sister’s surgery and following recovery. We had various resources including the support of extended family. My dad’s job also allowed them to travel to Utah easily for the check-ups. While we worried about my sister, overall, we had an attitude of peace and gratitude for the blessing of health and modern medicine. 

Family crises can either help families grow and become stronger, or can cause them to become weaker. My family used this unfortunate situation as a growing experience. We became closer and our relationships were strengthened. My little sister is also much healthier now than she ever would have been without the surgery, and for that we are all grateful. 

Our reaction to one family crisis can influence how we approach following crises. If we only focus on the negative, we are worse off going into another trial than we would have been if we had focused on the positive that came from the situation.

Our family stressors are not often wished for or expected. How we react to them can ultimately define how they affect us. When we go through a difficult experience, it is common to ask, “Why me?” or “Why did you do this to me, God?” However, we would be much better off to ask, “What can I learn from this?” or “How will this make me a better person?” Developing this attitude in times of trial can be exceptionally difficult. People don’t often want to pass through trials and difficulties. It’s important to understand, however, that this life should be used to become the best we possibly can, and our best growth often happens when we experience trials. 

Teaching Children

One of the most important responsibilities parents have is to teach their children. Kids are taught by various sources as they grow up. These sources include teachers, coaches, and even peers. If parents leave the majority of the learning of their children up to these other sources, their children will have a great disadvantage when it comes to their learning and understanding. Parents need to teach what they want their children to know. They should not give that control over to someone else, who may feed their children a great deal of false information. 

One focus of parents’ teachings to their children should be on sexuality. It is quite common for parents to avoid talking to their children about sexuality. Sometimes this is because they feel uncomfortable, or maybe they do not understand the importance of it, or they think they can leave it up to others to teach them. If parents avoid this responsibility, however, their children could have a misunderstanding and confusion about sexuality and the purposes of sex. 

When parents leave the teaching of sexuality to their children up to another source, misunderstandings are bound to happen. Let’s look at schools for example. When I was a fifth and sixth grader, we watched two different films on the maturation of our bodies. I don’t remember anything that was taught in those films. It wouldn’t surprise me if other children didn’t remember them either. This is why parents need to be involved in the teaching of their children. Parents can help children better understand what they learned in school, and this way, when their children are 16 or 17 years old and can’t remember about the videos they watched in elementary school, or their health classes in junior high, they can talk to their parents and better understand. 

Another popular source that gives out less than true information, are children’s peers. Children are naturally curious, and if they feel that they cannot go to their parents to talk about sexuality, they will go to their friends. This can be extremely harmful, as friends often have the same level of understanding as the children. 

Parents should begin teaching their children about sexuality when they are quite young, even toddler age. The teachings should be developmentally appropriate, but they could teach about their bodies and how sacred they are. The teachings can become more in depth as children grow older and gain a greater understanding. 

Talking about sex should not be something that is awkward or uncomfortable. Sex is sacred. It isn’t naughty or dirty. This act should only take place between a husband and wife who are legally married because of its sacred nature. Sex is the means by which life is created and it strengthens the relationship between husband and wife. When we talk about sex, we should focus on its importance to our lives, but also how beautiful and sacred it is, when used correctly. 

It is quite common for parents to teach that sex is a bad thing until after marriage. Many children grow up with the idea that sex is a sin and that it shouldn’t ever be discussed. When children grow up with this mindset, it is difficult to think of sex as anything other than naughty and sinful, even after marriage. After I got married, it was extremely difficult for me to think of sex as a good thing. I was uncomfortable talking about it, and I felt like a sinner. I didn’t understand the importance of sex and the positive purpose of sex for my marriage relationship. With more learning and understanding, I have been able to move past this mindset. 

Sex is a sacred blessing, and it should be treated as such. Parents should teach their children about sexuality and help them understand the purposes and blessings of sex. As children understand and implement these teachings in their own lives, it will be a blessing to many generations, and it will help create happy homes. 

The Purpose of Marriage

What is the purpose of marriage? 

People have varying opinions to that question. Some believe the purpose of marriage is to have tax benefits, others say to have companionship. Other opinions include the purpose of marriage to be traditional, or to have children. I believe that marriage is all of those things, however, I believe that the purpose of marriage is more. 

Marriage is becoming one as husband and wife. It is an opportunity for people to reach their potential and become perfected. Perfection is often thought of as without error or mistake, but it means being whole and complete. In order to fulfill their full potential, a man is not complete without a woman, and a woman is not complete without a man. I think that is a beautiful principle. We need one another and we have to opportunity to work together in an intimate and everyday relationship as husband and wife. 

While marriage is a wonderful thing and a great opportunity to progress as husband and wife, it does not come without challenges. Specifically, there are many adjustments that have to be made in the first month of marriage, the first year, and gradually throughout marriage as the couple learns and grows together. 

One of the adjustments that needs to be made early on is just the idea of caring for someone else. A person isn’t alone anymore and they have decided to share their life with another. This includes caring for them always. I realized this when my husband got sick the week after we were married. I wasn’t used to taking care of someone else when they were sick, and it was a good learning experience for me. Now, our relationship is strengthened because of the time we put in to care for one another. 

Another adjustment to make soon in a marriage is sharing everything, including a bed. This was an adjustment for my husband and me. I love to be cold when I sleep, and my husband loves to be warm. It took us some time to find a balance of air conditioning and blankets to where we can both sleep comfortably. 

Holidays and time spent with in-laws is another adjustment to make. Families celebrate holidays differently and there are many traditions that couples have to decide if they will include in their own families. Bryan and I have decided to spend time every other holiday with each of our families. Last year, we spent Independence Day with his family, Thanksgiving with mine, Christmas Eve with his, and Christmas Day with mine. This year, we’ve rotated that. This is not the only correct answer for how to split time with families, but it has been a good way for us to spend time with both his family and mine. 

I also believe one of the most important things to keep in mind when it comes to adjustments in marriage, is that it isn’t about compromise. It’s about sacrifice. A compromise between what both people want to do is not always a good idea. Making sacrifices for the benefit of the marriage is how to help make the marriage work. When both spouses are trying to meet the needs of the other and both have the attitude of always thinking of what they can give to the marriage instead of what they are getting out of the marriage, the marriage will be happier. 

Marriage is a blessing. It is an opportunity for two people to become one and to become the best version of themselves. It is a means to help people become complete and whole. And while it is such a wonderful thing, it comes with challenges and adjustments. If husband and wife work through the adjustments and are always working to strengthen the marriage, their marriages and families will be happier.