Preparing for Marriage

Deciding who to marry is one of the biggest decisions a person will make in their lifetime. It can cause stress and worry of choosing the right person, and it can be incredibly overwhelming. There are certain steps to take when deciding to marry: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Maybe it’s because it is so overwhelming, or maybe it is because the importance of marriage relationships is declining, but many people are not deliberately choosing to marry. They aren’t following the steps, and instead of making the conscious choice to move from dating, to courtship, to engagement, to marriage, they are sliding from one to the next.

When I was deciding to marry my now-husband, I wanted to make sure he was someone I could create a happy and eternal marriage with. I am grateful that my husband and I were able to make decisions and take these certain steps to help build our relationship and prepare ourselves for marriage.

Dating

My husband, Bryan, and I both went on dates with lots of people before we dated each other. We were best friends in high school and spent a lot of time together before we started going on dates. After high school, we both served missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and we wrote emails to one another each week. After I returned home, we went on multiple dates including dinner, ice cream, making caramel apples, and making enchiladas. While we were spending time together going on dates, we decided that we wanted to continue our relationship in a more serious manner and exclusively date each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Courtship

Bryan and I had a conversation to decide that we wanted to pursue a relationship. Bryan made sure we were on the same page about the state of our relationship and he asked me specifically if we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We had a conversation about it and decided that we both felt good about it.

Not long after this decision, Bryan moved to Texas to work and I went to Utah for school. We spend a lot of time Facetiming and continuing to get to know each other. It was special to not be together in person, because I felt like I could get to know him on a different level than if we were together. There was no physical aspect of our relationship.

During this time, we shared goals, worries, and plans for the future, and we decided that we wanted to get married. He told me that he wanted to marry me and we discussed it multiple times until we got engaged. Again, it was a very conscious decision to move from one phase in our relationship to the next.

Engagement

Bryan and I got engaged on August 9, 2017. He proposed on one knee while we were hiking with some friends. I was ecstatic. While we were engaged, we used the time to plan the wedding and continue to get to know one another. We went through lots of important questions about finances, future family, parenting styles, past relationships, etc. This time was vital to us in learning about one another and deciding that we wanted to continue with our engagement to marriage.

Marriage

Bryan and I were married on December 16, 2017 in the Idaho Falls Temple. We are still learning new things about one another every day and I am so grateful for that. I know that our time spent learning about one another, and our deliberate and conscious decisions in furthering our relationship have been a blessing for our marriage. I am grateful that Bryan always made sure we were on the same page and that we both understood the status of our relationship. I love being married to my best friend, and I love learning more about him every day.

As people try to find the person they are going to marry, it is important that conscious decisions are made to continue in the relationship. This way, there is no confusion, and people don’t end up in a relationship that they didn’t want to be in. It is also vital to continue to get to know each other in every phase of a relationship. This will help build stronger and happier marriages.

Complete. Don't Compete.

Growing up, I was taught that I could accomplish anything I wanted to. My parents never treated me as less because I am female, and I never felt inferior to males. I have been taught that men and women are different. This difference does not mean that one is less than the other. It simply means that they each have different abilities and skills that can help the other. 

I am grateful for this knowledge, and hold it close to my heart, especially with all the debates surrounding gender that have become so common in the today’s society. 

                                                                                                               

There seems to be a strong push for equality between males and females, and I think the idea of equality is wonderful. However, this desire for equality has transformed into the desire to prove that women can do everything men can do, and vice versa. 

This is not the case. Men and women are not the same. They have different roles and responsibilities, and even biologically, they are different. Men’s brains and women’s brains are not the same, and this manifests itself in many of the natural abilities and tendencies of each gender. 

Even in childhood, when playing with toys, children demonstrate gender differences. Girls tend to play more with dolls, while boys are more drawn to cars and trucks. This is because males are more action oriented and girls are more people oriented. This is generally speaking, however. There are always exceptions to the norm. 

It is vital to understand the importance of gender differences in order to not compete. In the world today, there seems to be a competition between which gender is better or superior, and the truth is that both are equally necessary and good. Especially in the home. 

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” explains that “By divine design fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” Obviously, there are situations where responsibilities are changed depending on the family, but that is why it’s important to have both husband and wife working together as equals in the family. 

The natural, biological differences between men and women help them fulfill roles in the home. For example, women have more connective tissues in their brain which allows them to be aware of more things at one time. This is beneficial in their role of nurturing children because they can be aware of each of the children’s needs, where they are, what they are doing, and also other affairs of the home. 

My parents are wonderful examples of fulfilling their roles and responsibilities, but also working together as one. My dad has always provided for and protected the family, and he presides over us. My mother stayed at home with us while we were growing up and was the primary nurturer. Their talents and abilities added to the other’s and they supported each other in all they did. They never competed or felt the need to prove superiority over the other. They understood their equality in their differences. 

I am grateful for the examples of men and women who support one another in their individual abilities and talents. When men and women try to prove they are better than the other, they degrade them and negate their divine nature and abilities. We should be supportive of one another. Linda K. Burton said, “When we seek to ‘complete’ rather than ‘compete,’ it is so much easier to cheer each other on!” Let us seek to complete one another in our marriages and families. As we do so, we will find more happiness in our homes. 

Family Traditions

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines culture as “the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group.” Every family has their own culture and as an important part of that culture, every family has traditions. 

Growing up, my family had many traditions. I grew up in a religious home where we studied scriptures, prayed, and learned of the teachings of Jesus Christ. Some of our traditions included doing these things together as a family. We attended church together weekly, and dedicated time each week to spend together as a family. We also had family dinners together most nights when we didn’t have something else going on. 

Another tradition my family had was to go to St. George, Utah every Spring Break. We would spend the week hiking, swimming, and enjoying time together. It was also nice to get out of the cold of Idaho and enjoy the warm sun. 

Holidays also provide opportunities for families to create traditions. On Christmas Eve, my family had the tradition of reading Luke chapter 2 in the Bible, which tells the story of the birth of Christ. We would have a big breakfast on Christmas morning complete with French toast, fried potatoes, and bacon. 

I lived in Mexico for a year and a half as a missionary, and the traditions in Mexico differed greatly from my family traditions. Thanksgiving is a holiday that isn’t celebrated in Mexico, and for Christmas, the celebrations last through December to January. Piñatas were a typical part of the Christmas festivities. Foods such as pozole and tamales were also common around holiday time. It was a great experience for me to live in another country and experience other traditions. Not only did I love the traditions I was able to experience, but I also gained a greater appreciation for my family’s traditions. 

Just as traditions vary with different cultures, they also vary with families. My husband’s family has a tradition of playing basketball outside together whenever all of the brothers are in town and the weather is nice enough. They will spend hours playing 2 on 2 and other games. 

When it comes to the holidays and other celebrations, his family’s traditions differed from mine. They opened new pajamas on Christmas Eve. They would also have cinnamon rolls for breakfast on Christmas morning. On birthdays, they would go out to lunch with their dad, and they would always try to go on trip before the school year started. 

Now that my husband and I are creating our own family, we have the choice of which traditions we would like to continue and which ones we will change. We have continued the tradition of having a Christ centered home and we will pray together, read scriptures together and learn together. We spend most of the holidays with our families of origin, so we haven’t had the chance to develop our own traditions, but we look forward to implementing them in our own home. 

I believe the best types of traditions are those that promote time together as family. If we have traditions that separate us from family, and promote individual importance over the importance of family, or traditions that are bad for our health or well-being, I think those are best to be discarded. If used correctly, traditions help us strengthen family relationships and develop a strong family culture. I also believe that traditions should teach strong principles and the importance of family togetherness. 

As my husband and I create our own family cultures, we strive to create traditions that support family relationships and will bring us closer together. I am grateful for the cultures of our families and the experiences we were able to have to strengthen our relationships and help us learn. I am grateful for my family culture.  

Roles to Play and Rules to Follow

Theories are used to explain why something happens. The big bang theory, for example, is one way to explain how the universe came to be. The theory of evolution gives an explanation for where human life came from. 

Social scientists have various theories to explain family relationships. One of those theories is the family systems theory. The family systems theory is the idea that the family should be analyzed as a whole, and that the different members of the family system make each system different from another. Subsystems can form in a system with three or more people, and every member of the system has different roles. 

In my family or origin, we have various subsystems. My parents make up one subsystem, my siblings another, my sisters and I another, my brothers, etc. Within our subsystems, we each have a role to play. For example, my older sister plays the role of the oldest child. She is accustomed to being in change because my parents often left her in charge when they were not home. My younger brother plays the role of the family encyclopedia. He knows random facts about almost everything and he is always helping people learn and sharing his opinion with others. He helps us keep an open mind and to learn about the world around us. My youngest brother is the comedian. He takes everything lightly and can make a joke out of everything. He is always making us laugh and helps us keep the mood light when we are feeling overwhelmed or upset about something. The youngest, my little sister, is the glue of our family. She is always trying to plan activities for all of us and wants us all to spend time together.  

Each of our roles make our family work, and some roles change depending on the subsystem. My role with my older sister is different from my role with my role with my younger siblings. My parents’ role also varies a little bit with each child. They are still play the role of a parent- leading, teaching and loving. However, their relationship with each child is different and their role changes to best help and parent the child. 

Family systems also have rules. Many are spoken rules that everyone understands, but many are unspoken. They are usually learned through experience when someone breaks the unspoken rule. Some rules in my family growing up included:

·     Always show up to sacrament meeting 10-15 minutes early.

·     If you’re going to be late, you let mom or dad know. 

·     Friends are always welcome in the home.

·     If you’re angry, it’ll be your turn to say family prayer.

·     If you got it out, you clean it up. 

·     No phones are allowed at the dinner table. 

·     Eat what mom made or make yourself something else- usually cereal.

·     You can talk to mom or dad about anything. 

·     Family comes first. 

·     You are each other’s cheerleaders. Support and love each other. 

These family rules and roles help the family system function. When roles change or when someone comes into the family, such as an in-law, who does not know the rules, the family system can be disrupted, and it can be difficult to learn how things run in the family system. It’s important to learn how the family runs and do the best to fit the family dynamic. 

My sister and I are both married, and our husbands change the family system from how it was when we were growing up. It has been a learning experience for them, and for my sister and I with our in-laws, to learn how we fit in the family system and what the rules are in each home. 

The roles and rules of the family system help explain how each family functions. The rules help keep the family functioning. Every role is important in the family and makes the family system what it is.